Random acts of poetry

I'm Sorry but I'm Not (6/30/2014)

I’m sorry I couldn’t talk to you, sorry I didn’t share

I’m sorry I didn’t work for you, I thought you’d always be there

I’m sorry for my issues, if I could change them I would

I’m sorry I won’t have a chance to do the things I should

I’m sorry for disappearing, for not talking as much as most

I’m sorry for not being there, that I became a ghost

I’m sorry for losing you, I’m sorry I didn’t fight

I’m sorry for not laying with you, every single night

I’m sorry for who I was, but that’s not who I’ll be

I’m sorry I won’t have a chance to change for you, but I’ll try to change for me

I’m sorry for hurting you, something I never meant to do

I’m sorry for telling others things that I should have told to you

But I’m not sorry that I love you, I’m not sorry that I’m still here

I’m not sorry that I won’t give up, that I’ll always be here

I’m not sorry that I want you, I’m not sorry you’re still the one

I won’t apologize for needing you when all is said and done

Because for all the bad and troubled times, there were good ones too.

And those good times are the reason, I won’t give up on you. 

It Gets Easier (6/29/2014)

It gets easier to smile, it gets easier to sleep

It gets easier to hear that song when I'm driving down the street

It gets easier to wake up, easier to get out of bed

Easier to go about my day with you stuck in my head

It gets easier to not see you, though eyes are worthless without that sight

It gets easier to hold a pillow, instead of holding you at night

It gets easier to not want to kiss you, even though that's all I want to do

It gets easier to be content, though I'll never be satisfied without you

It gets easier not to cry, at least easier to hide

Easier to mask the pain, the storm raging inside

It get's easier not to want you, even though it's just pretend

It gets easier to type I love you, and erase without hitting send

It get's easier, day by day, this I know to be true.

But it's still the hardest thing, because I'm still in love with you. 

The Story of Her (6/28/2015)

We met in the summer but the sun was nowhere to be found

We were beneath an ice covered fortress, with a war raging around.

No, not in real life, but it happened just the same.

I met her one night in a video game.

You may think that’s strange, that’s neither here nor there.

What better way to meet than with an interest you share.  

It started with words, as most stories do.

From typed to spoken, it grew and it grew.

Until one day, late in August or so

I finally had the courage to let her know

I told her that I wanted more, that she should be mine

I told her she’s what I've been looking for, what I always hoped to find

It had my heart shaking, such a frightful task.

But when I told her I wanted her, she told me just ask.

So I asked her to be mine, I did my best

And after I did, all she said was yes.

It’s was like a door opened, that’s been locked for so long.

I fell in love with her, to the words of a song.

Brighter than sunshine, just like she looked.

And we planned on seeing each other, no matter what it took.

It took a long time, more than it should.

But we knew it would happen, and finally it would

It was late in the evening but I was wide awake

Nervously tracking the minutes her arrival would take

As I watched from my window, I saw the car pull in

And my heart lost its beat, my lungs lost their wind.

I ran down the stairs so fast I almost fell

I was so nervous, I wondered if she could tell

But when she stepped out of a car there was nothing else around

The world was her walking up to me, we hugged, and I lifted her off the ground.

And that’s all it took, that hug and that swirl.

I told myself right then and there, I would marry this girl.

The next day, we went to zoo, drove through DC seeing the scenes

Wearing unintentionally matched black shirts and jeans

It was a hot day, a big zoo, it took forever to roam it.

But I don’t think our hands left each other, not even a moment.

Eventually we made it to a Starbucks for coffee

And it was an amazing day even when her nephew peed on me

The next day came, and I dreaded it so

The day she was leaving, the day she had to go

Our last moments that day were at a grocery store

Where I accidentally spilt a gallon of milk on the floor

I wondered if how I could see her, I wondered when

But I knew no matter what I would see her again.

Fast forward a few years, it happened like I knew it would

We were finally together, not visiting, this time for good

And it made my heart soar, happy in many a way

That I could wake up next to her every single day.

To a late January, let’s fast forward some more.

We were spending her birthday at the aquarium in Baltimore.

She thought that was my present, the trip and not more

She had no idea what else I had in store

My nerves were shaking like the day we first met

And I played for her a video that I’ll never forget.

The most important video I've ever made in my life

The video asked her if she would be my wife

She said yes, well actually she said stop

Because I was recording her reaction to this clever set up

But she did in fact say yes, and I put on her ring

And we kissed to the sound of Israel Kamakawiwi’ole singing

And if someone asked me, I wouldst think twice.

That was the absolute happiest day of my life.

If this story ended there, I would not complain

But just like thunder, soon came the rain

Somewhere along the way, I lost my way

And I didn't see how she felt, day after day

I didn't see I was walking down a dangerous road

I didn't see the warning signs that were glaringly showed.

I stopped trying my hardest, I stopped giving my best

I stopped giving her more, started giving her less

I thought it was fine but boy was I wrong

I didn't see the end of the path I was walking along.

I thought it was fine, I thought it was okay

I thought we were fine, I thought she would stay

But time went by and my sins stayed and grew

And she asked me a question that I didn't think through

Long story short, she gave me a choice

And maybe I was distracted, or maybe I didn't get to hear it in her voice

But I chose wrong

And now I’m reaping what I've sowed all along.

So the moral of the story, the lyrics of the song

Cherish what you have, don’t do what I did wrong.

Love like there’s no tomorrow, because one day that might be

Live like there’s no tomorrow, or you might end up like me.

End up wishing and praying for a way to go back

And change the things you did, be the things you lack

Hoping one day she forgives you, and you can make up for it all.

I’ll always regret the landing, but I’ll never regret the fall.

The paths we take (around 2006)

We twist and turn past hills and lake

Stumbling down the path we take

Though detour after another, change our way

we end up back on the path each day

Searching for something, something we might not know

Reaching for somewhere we want to go

Sometimes we’ve passed that thing we search for

not even realizing we found it, walked past that door

That is the fate of most on this quest

Blinded by the search for better, we have lost the best

only if you realize, what you want, you’ve already found

Only then can you realize you should turn around

Back to the place you’ve been once before

Back to it all, you no longer need more..

This verse is dedicated to every memory

that serves as directions to where you used to be

so keep every day near to your heart and mind

You’ll never know which part of your past, you’ll have to find

Random

Sometimes so hard to see past the old

so hard to step out, so hard to be bold

the weight of the world staggers my shoulders uneven

Forcing to fight against the false I’m believing

Ghosts chase my integrity, souls of the wrong I have done

and I panic and break, I can’t help but run

Almost breaking down, almost giving in

almost losing hope, almost lost in sin…..

Then the breeze calms, and the clouds dim the sun

And the still air calms me, I slow from my run

And I see past the old, gaze at the new

My mind is at peace when I think about you

My heart beats one step slower, a pace I need badly

and I feel all the anger and sorrow flow out me

It seems you’re the proof, you’re a daily reminder

that theres people in this world still that fill it with

laughter

fill it with hope, you fill it with dreams

and you save my day’s life, you’re a hero it seems

and I just want to smile.. I just want to stand still

and feel the gentle breeze so soft it does feel

against my calm skin, no longer the rush

and i feel peace, I can’t thank you enough

I pray the wind, you always feel on your back

and the sun shines of your face, its warmth keeps you intact

and I offer my mind, share the pace of my heart

I feel on the right track and I think you were the start.

2/25/11 Untitled

never ends it never ends

the road is straight it never bends

the path unknown the end is shaded

one day I hope I’ll say i made it.

wind is strong against my face

feeling the feelings I have to replace

thinking the thought, living the lie

the waters drowning, growing so high

forget to swim forget to breathe

unmask the man who lay dormant beneath

shed the skin, release the hounds

a safer path cannot be found.

Heed the warnings, ignore the signs, these are not those peaceful times

but change is never good or bad

its just a fact, that must be had

accept the fate, take in the sights

fight the dark back to its night

and when the sun, sets fire to the land

i’m still here, still just a man

9/20/10 For my brother James

Never really take the time to thank you, something I wish I did more

but deep inside i’m trying to do right, and you’re who I’m trying for

I never got to know you, friends we never got to be

but when I look inside myself, i see parts of you in me

One day we can sit back, and catch up on all we’ve missed

And hopefully I’ll have stories for you, full of happiness and bliss

And we’ll laugh and cry, all throughout the day

All the unsaid things will be said, everything I’ve wanted to say

Thank you for being everything, everything you could

I’ll try to do everything, everything I know I should

Though we never had a thing to share, everything is still treasured

Because a love between brothers, need not be measured

can never be counted, can’t even be seen

and until the day we meet, there’s only heaven between

And when I see you again for the first time my friend

we’ll share our beginning, and there will be no end

1/8/11 RIP my cousin Melvin

I will not judge you, and what you choose

nor ask why you gain, while we all lose

Even though your reason, might be unclear to us

I will not question it, all I can do is trust

trust you have a plan for him somehow

maybe to watch over us now

I will not be angry, for what you felt the need to take

I have but one request, one wish to make

please tell him that we miss him, that he’ll never leave our hearts

tell him that he’s loved, wish him well when his journey starts

Date Unknown-Untitled

Some people build buildings, towers that touch the sky

Some make cars and trains, planes that fly so high

So many people do so many things, so many things they do

But no one can move mountains, no one except for you

Some people live in mansions, some in huts, some nowhere at all

Some live in the tropics, some in nothing but snow fall

So many places people live, to list I wouldn’t know where to start

But no one else lives where you live, because you live inside my heart

Some people use paint and ink, hoping to make a master work of art

Some make beauty by building things, some by taking things apart

So many things that people make, endless possibility it seems

But no one makes what you can make, because you make up my dreams

This world can seem so blended, so hard not to mix in

But you have something special, something that shines from deep within

In a sky of people, you are the sun, a beacon shining through

So many people in this world, but there’s nobody like you.

The Word

That word…

It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth

A dullness in my hearing

A word that’s supposed to be endearing

But in reality it’s a demon in disguise

That word.. That terrible word

Go outside and count the stars

Then times that by… Forever.

Thats how much I hate that word.

Don’t worry if you lose count

I did.

That word rattles the ground of my mind

Shakes loose any pebble of possibility

And laughs as it’s tossed in the air

And left to shatter on the ground

Words are just words right

Letters strung together

But those tiny letters that you underestimate

Can destroy, can devastate

That word can start wars

Real or unseen

Imagined or physically felt

Maybe it’s a joke

A cruel jest my ears play

A confederate to my eyes

Distorting what’s seen or heard

Silently inserting that word

To places it obviously shouldn’t be

Untitled 10/2011

The sky threatens rain

Almost mocking in tone

The pavement protests a little past silent

Every time my feet strike

Left right left right

I apologize to the street

For it isn’t me

It’s just gravity

If I could control it

I’d simply just float

The pavement would be at ease

The left right would cease

I can’t float nor can I fly

Banned from the mocking sky

It’s just me and the street

And the triumphant gravity

I’m walking in place

Though each step gets me further

I make no distance

No matter my pace

No matter my stride

No matter my speed

I leave behind trees

Pass houses and cars

My shoes soak up the miles

But I can’t move an inch.

What I’m walking away from

Isn’t that which can be escaped in time

So no matter how far I go

I’m at the starting line

I can walk and walk

Run and run

Until I forget what im running for

I just want to be a simile

But I’m a metaphor.

Questions

What do you think of me?

What words come to mind?

What feelings are stirred?

When my name passes by.

Who am I to you?

Who is it you see?

Do you see who I am,

When you look into me?

When you look in my eyes,

Can you trace my mind?

Can you see where I’ve been,

Where I’m going?

Would you go with me to that place?

That place that I made,

Made out of bricks, dreams, and clay

Would you want to stay?

Can you hear in my voice?

Can you read in my words?

The sounds and the meanings,

That only exist for you to know.

I don’t think you can.

And no matter how much I try,

I can’t show you ,

What you can’t see with your own eyes.

Would you trust me to guide you?

Take your hand and lead.

And show you that i want you,

That I really want you.

And if you don’t want to be led,

Id take a step back,

Walk by your side,

Or behind in your tracks.

It doesn’t matter the when,

The where or the how.

It could be in the future,

It could be in the now.

No matter how long it takes,

It would last that times forever.

And even if it doesn’t,

At least it was longer than never.

I’d take whatever I get,

Whatever exists.

Days, months, and years,

Or a single kiss.

A kiss that would make the world tremble.

Empathy

It’s almost like rain

that falls from your eyes

Like drops of cold pain

Falling from the skies

And I’m stuck in the open

No cover to hide

Your rain pours down

As I’m stuck outside

I’m sad when you cry

I smile when you’re happy

Those drops from the sky

also rain from me

I might not know what you’re going through

but I know how you feel

Because although the rain is just from you

My rain falls just as real

So when it’s dark and you can’t see

Remember that you’re lost with me

When the day refuses to break through the night

Take my hand and we’ll search for light

You’re never alone, you’re mirrored in me

Through this gift and curse of empathy

Soldiers

(I wrote this in 2007 when I was in the army, it was published in the NY Times the same year. )

What is a soldier? What burns inside their soul?

A soldier is a warrior, and war doth take its toll.

Distance leaves it’s mark on all, some more than another

May it be wife, husband, or just a distant lover.

What is a soldier? Why do they do what they do?

A soldier is a man or wife apart, yet still stay true.

What is a soldier? What makes them fight that fight?

Soldiers are the children, missing fathers every night.

Soldiers are the brothers, sisters, daughters, and sons

who pray that their soldier returns with the rising sun.

What is a soldier? What makes them cross those sands?

Soldiers fight to keep the fight away from love ones lands.

What is a soldier? What makes them that way?

Soldiers are those writing letters to soldiers every day.

Soldiers fight and give their lives, for the battle to be won,

Soldiers are the families who stay strong for the fighting one.

I write this as a soldier, away from home, doing what I must do,

I want my family, friends, and loved ones to know that they are soldiers too.

Random

They’re calling me! They’re calling

Me!

Eyes as far as eyes can see

I cannot stay, I must leave

I have to go, they’re calling me!

I cannot walk I have to run

My work here is dead not done

I have somewhere else to be

Forgive me but they’re calling me!

I’m sorry if I misbehave

I have no time to chat or wave

They call my name relentlessly

All I know is they’re calling me!

If I could, I would stay

A weeks too long, maybe just a day

After that day, me you would not see

For I can’t ignore their calls for me

Think what you think

Know what you know

I have no time to argue

I have to go

I have to leave

I cannot stay

Random

I lay in bed and try to sleep

My mind flys high, my thoughts dig deep

My train of thought often derails

Countless paths my mind trails

I Lose my thoughts, I lose my mind

Lose control of this heart of mine

My compass spins, no end in sight

I lose direction every night

My hungry bed envelops me

Feeds on dreams so fiendishly

Pillows wrap around my head

Lose control to this hungry bed

It seems my dreams know more than me

It seems they see more than I can see

If they’d lead, I’d follow blind

And be amazed at what I’d find

What I’d find, what I’d find

Hiding in my restless mind

Hiding behind walls of doubt

I would scream, I would shout

I would shout across the night

That I found something that’s worth the fight

Worth the blood, worth the sweat

Something waking up couldn’t make me forget

But my dreams escape so easily

The morning steals them away from me

How am I supposed to win

If I don’t even know that I want the war to begin

You can’t win a war if you never fight

Like I can’t find my day, if I’m stuck in the night